Over the course of the past week, I have been absolutely crushed by the confines of my apartment and the cold front that's slammed the Willamette Valley. So, looking to be productive in some way, I started going through old boxes. There I came across a journal from what must have been six years ago by now. I loved this journal because of the brown leather design; a tree reaching from the ground with twisted gnarly branches. The golden knob and leather-string wrapped around securely have kept my pages relatively fresh and intact after countless moves.
I sat and read page-after-page of random musings that probably seemed like the world to me at the time, but now seem laughable. It all read like some angsty High Schooler's letter of disdain to his ex. As the pages ran on, my writing changed, drastically. I wasn't moping about how alone in the world I was, rather I focused on the how and why of Everything. I was looking for a sense of destiny and purpose but had no idea what to think, what I wanted, and where to look. I was certain of just one thing: I did not want to become just another suit-and-tie in the world. A meager and petty existence that'll surely be forgotten. I knew exactly what I didn't want and I effectively steered clear of it in one fell swoop when I abruptly quit my job at Netflix. I tend to forget how low I've let myself go at some points.
I look at myself now and I realize that all of the fears and questions have already been abolished. I am exactly where I need to be right here, right now. I've a wife that supports, understands, and encourages me in all my fights and endeavors, family that has become enormously closer through my tragedy, and I've come to terms with myself. I have absolutely nothing to worry about. Nothing can be worse than what I'm faced with, which is the greatest question that any being can face and I'm at peace with it. Beyond that, all I can say for myself and all those around me is om mani padme hum.
I sat and read page-after-page of random musings that probably seemed like the world to me at the time, but now seem laughable. It all read like some angsty High Schooler's letter of disdain to his ex. As the pages ran on, my writing changed, drastically. I wasn't moping about how alone in the world I was, rather I focused on the how and why of Everything. I was looking for a sense of destiny and purpose but had no idea what to think, what I wanted, and where to look. I was certain of just one thing: I did not want to become just another suit-and-tie in the world. A meager and petty existence that'll surely be forgotten. I knew exactly what I didn't want and I effectively steered clear of it in one fell swoop when I abruptly quit my job at Netflix. I tend to forget how low I've let myself go at some points.
I look at myself now and I realize that all of the fears and questions have already been abolished. I am exactly where I need to be right here, right now. I've a wife that supports, understands, and encourages me in all my fights and endeavors, family that has become enormously closer through my tragedy, and I've come to terms with myself. I have absolutely nothing to worry about. Nothing can be worse than what I'm faced with, which is the greatest question that any being can face and I'm at peace with it. Beyond that, all I can say for myself and all those around me is om mani padme hum.
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